21 Nov Stop Being So Bloody Hard On Yourself

Here Are 7 Ways to Be Less of a Pain … to Yourself

Written by Daniela Cavalletti

7 min read

At the end of each year – or the latest in early January, when the festive frolics have been and gone – we tend to look back at the year that was, and take stock. We make plans for ‘a better year ahead’: get a job / partner / pet / gizmo that will “make us totally happy”, finally make it to the gym 5 times a week, be nicer to our mother even. Or finally get perfect at making macramé wall-hangings, or sushi rolls that don’t look like a 4-year-old with a tantrum had a go at them.

Whatever your particular poison – I’m sure you’ve been there.

The Big Fat Nothing

And in most cases all these plans come to nothing much. Why? Because it’s just a new year, it’s not a new us (no matter what memes and self-help gurus like to tell you). We’ve done nothing but moved a few days ahead in our lives (and in many cases racked up a few extra hangovers and over-eating days … “Hello gym, can you wait a few more days? I’m just a tad too full here, ta!”).

And thanks to the ceaseless feeds on social media, we have the unfortunate luck of being able to compare ourselves to others and their (alleged) talent, success and an overall charmed life on a daily basis. I know you’re busting to correct me here with a ”hey, I know these lives are not real; that’s just the pretty side everyone wants to show! I’m no fool; I won’t fall for this!”

But sunshine, it ain’t so – we all have our wobbly days and insecurities (if you don’t, congrats, you’re a narcissist or psychopath). And subconsciously we do pick up on the never-ending-happiness feeds and often feel a tad blue about us not measuring up. Missing out on what others may have.

“Why the F%ck Aren’t I That Perfect?”

Ever thought that? I bet you did –­ give or take a few expletives.

Whether it’s you comparing yourself to rich Bobby B. next door, or that mum-of-five who always looks perfectly serene while running a home plus her organic nappies business. Or some unachievable, ridiculously-overstretched goal you set for yourself: you’ve just been a total arse to yourself – and it’s time to change that.

How to Cut the Perfectionism Crap

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. Because, mostly-on and sometimes-off, I’ve been a perfect arse to myself for a good long while. Setting impossible expectations for myself (and by extension often for those around me). And – surprise, surprise! – that hasn’t served me all that well.

It all started so innocently when I was just out of my toddler stage. At a mere handful of years old, I argued with my mum over how ‘my way’ was the far superior, more efficient technique to change my new baby-brother’s nappies. Aww, cute, right? … Nah, not really.

Ugly, joy-killing perfectionism was starting to sprout in my budding personality. And perfectionism, that’s a tangly weed we all can do without. Believe you me. If you truly want to smell the roses (aka value who you are and what you do), the stink of your own perfectionism needs to be febrezed.

The Root of Your Problem? Perfectionism

So, that precocious toddler-me blossomed into the Queen of Perfectionism over time. And while it certainly helped me excel at a number of things, especially those that require meticulous attention to detail, often it made me feel stuck, inept and miserable. Because I just couldn’t always get things to be – and stay – perfect.

Expectations of perfection are an issue that mucks up the lives of many of us (and business owners seem to be especially good at this), and yet it’s one habit we find so hard to shake.

Whether it’s making the perfect birthday cake for our 6-year old, polishing our sales presentation to impress our client or boss, or missing out on me-time / the gym / sleep because we ‘just need to get this one %$**&@ thing right’ – we’re watering that stinky perfectionism weed. Oh, and asking for help is a no-no of course – God forbid someone would think we need help!

Sound familiar? It sure was the off-key sound-track to my life.

Buy a Ticket out of La-la Land

You might have guessed it, but let’s make sure you’re really hearing me: perfectionism is an unattainable fantasy. I’ve learnt that the hard way.

You’ll never have Kim Kardashian’s butt, no matter how many squats you do, sorry; your genetics just don’t stack up that way. I’ll never be a famous novelist – because I don’t want to go through the pain and hard work to get there (not to mention have the enormous talent and luck that’s needed for that to happen).

To add to the trouble: life keeps changing. So nothing can ever be permanently perfect. And as a perfectionist we set ourselves up for failure trying to hunt the unicorn of perfectionism in a world that keeps shifting and changing.

After a burn-out a few years ago, I took stock. There were a number of things that helped me get over being so damn perfectionistic. I finally got my ticket out of the groundhog day of trying to make everything flawless. It sometimes turns out to be a return ticket still; old habits do die hard. But with less perfectionism my life has become a lot calmer and happier.

Here’s what I’ve learnt.

#1. Be Selfish

You what? Yes, you read correctly: put yourself first. Be selfish for once. There’s nothing wrong with looking after yours truly first – your time, your health, your friendships, your joys. Because without you being as well and content as you can be, everyone and everything around you will be worse off. Leading your life will be a hard, tiresome and stressful slog. And being around you will be equally miserable. Look after your wellbeing first whatever you do.

#2. Trying to Be Happy Will Make You Miserable

Goal setting might be a great motivation if you can take emotion out of it, but that’s a game few of us can play. So if your perfectionism makes you feel all insecure and constantly striving for something you don’t have (bigger! better! more!), you’re guaranteed to feel bad. Because the simple act of chasing happiness by craving something highlights the current lack of something. And boom we feel shit for not having that something. So try and shed the need for perfection. Instead find ways to accept where you are at, including your limitations, and you’ll be surprised how much happier you feel for it. I promise you.

#3. The World Will Not End If You Make a Mistake

Perfectionists are experts at guilt and shame. Think of a time you really messed up. Maybe you copied your bum on the office photo-copier after that very drunken Christmas party, or you broke Nanna’s heirloom vase trying to show off your juggling skills. Perhaps you lost your temper with an impossibly difficult or rude client – and lost a contract your boss had pitched for for two years.

Guilt, embarrassment, sadness … it’s ok (and even appropriate) to feel all of them if you did any of the above. But those big blunders they were just things you did, they don’t define entirely who you are. And the world hasn’t ended because of them, has it?

Nobody’s perfect, and it’s ok you aren’t either.

#4. Close Enough Is Good Enough

Admittedly, this line still gives me a bit of the shivers. But I have come a long way from obsessively sorting my drink glasses by colour and shape. I’m ok with them living in a happy mess in the kitchen cabinet now. And I still find the right one as quickly as before; fancy that!

Yes, being thorough is important, but you have to draw the line. ‘Close enough is good enough’ is actually wise advice. The flipside of the 80/20 rule – the fact that for many events roughly 80% of the results come from just 20% of the effort – is that the other 20% (i.e. the bit you need to do to get things to perfection) will take you an enormously large proportional effort.

In other words: trying to be perfect is bloody exhausting!

#5. Asking for Help Is Not a Weakness – It’s a Strength

The toughest thing for me was (and often still is) to ask for help in business (and otherwise). Can’t hack it on my own? Surely that means I’m not capable, not perfect at what I do? Actually, no. I’m simply human (yikes!).

It may take initial courage to ask for help (hello ego), but hiring or delegating things to others who are experts in their field is a clever move. Why reinvent the wheel if someone has already perfected the process? Hiring and outsourcing to people who are better at something than myself means less frustration and more time for the things I’m the expert at (and enjoy doing).

#6. Learn to Say ‘No’ More Often

Do ask ‘why’ more often before committing to spending time on something. It’s nice to feel wanted and popular, so it’s so easy to say ‘yes’ to every invitation; be it in business or your personal life. But not all of these invitations will benefit you. Before hitting the RSVP button, stop and ask yourself why you’re inclined to say ‘yes’ rather than ‘no’. Is it just your ego, a feeling of duty or fear of missing out that pushes you – or will it be fun and/or useful for you to take part?

#7. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Your friends, neighbours, competitors, colleagues and networking buddies are making it all look so easy, right? You talk to them and everything seems to be going so damn smoothly for them! Compare that to your constant limping behind schedule thanks to your overloaded to-do list, and the never-ending fires you’re putting out at home and at work … and gloom descends.

Stop it. Stop comparing apples with pears.

I’ll let you in on a secret. Those people? They go through their own crap and issues, no one is immune. That’s just life doing its thing. Our society (and social media) loves and admires ‘perfect’, so nobody is shouting about the tough bits in life.

Put simply: they’re constantly trying to keep up, just like you.

Stop Being So Bloody Hard On Yourself

We’re almost there. Those seven insights and changes helped me be a lot less frustrated, and much less irritating to have around. But one essential ingredient is still missing.

Perfectionists are good at beating themselves up over what didn’t go according to plan – and very bad and seeing just how awesome they are. Yet backing and valuing yourself is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves.

When was the last time your inner voice told you that you did something extremely well? That you absolutely aced something – and that you should be bloody proud of yourself? If you’re like me, that mightn’t happen all that often. As humans, and perfectionists especially, we tend to forget to tell ourselves “well done!” when credit is due.

When you (or others) always expect you to get the perfect score or result, it becomes the norm; and not worth celebrating. But just because you can do excellent work consistently (if not always), doesn’t mean your successes are not down to hard work and grit, or worth celebrating.

So give yourself some credit and a big pat on the back. Go on, do it; it’s well-deserved.

Now that felt good, didn’t it?